


Watching The Fires Burn Through The Night

by GoldenPaws



Series: The Chains That Bind Us [7]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: (though that's not what's happening), ... eventually - Freeform, ALL THE GOOD STUFF, Character Study, Depression, Desperation, Gen, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, Loki is a mess, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Odin (Marvel)'s Bad Parenting, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, What else is new, because heritage and stuff, but we all know things are gonna get better!, feeling numb, he's pretty sad too, kinda i guess, like completely depressed is more like it, presumed death of a child, which is part of the "mess" part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22130161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenPaws/pseuds/GoldenPaws
Summary: And he wishes that it made him feel anything. When he came back to the golden palace a few days ago, he was thinking about revenge, about making all of those fools pay for what they did to him, to his beloved children, to make them suffer and wail and beg for mercy. Plans were easily made, because there was really no one to stop him, or anything he wanted to do, and so he started to plant seeds and watched those grow, too. Now, he can see that it all worked out perfectly. But he doesn’t feel any triumph. He feels empty, and lost.
Relationships: Fenrir & Loki (Marvel), Frigga | Freyja & Loki (Marvel), Loki & Loki's Children (Marvel), Loki & Odin (Marvel), Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Series: The Chains That Bind Us [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1477469
Comments: 5
Kudos: 62





	Watching The Fires Burn Through The Night

**Author's Note:**

> Uh... Hi?  
> I'm really sorry it took me so long to post again. Real life is a mess these days, and writing suffered because of it. Good news: I have still been working on a later part of this series (which I can wait to post, seriously). Bad news: Life kinda sucks right now -.-  
> but hey, I'm back, and I'll be posting all through january!
> 
> Hope you enjoy, see you in a few days!
> 
> Love,  
> Goldie

Loki watches. It is something he has always done - Watch everyone around him, observe their lives and faults and brightness and darkness, and then he’d ponder on what he’s seen and use all that information to form plans and strategies. He still watches, but it is very different from before.

Sitting on Odin’s throne, he watches life in Asgard drag on. He watches his mother grief and cry, and he wishes he could offer her some form of comfort. But he feels numb, and worries what she might see should he allow her to look him in the eye. Frigga was always inconveniently gifted when it came to reading him. Now, all she would find in his eyes is anger, pain, numbness, desperation. And she might fall for it, might try and reason that this situation tears him apart as much as it does herself, but it’s a risk he is not willing to take. There is no shame, either, even though he is actively trying to destroy everything she cherishes and loves, all the things he used to love at one point in his life, too. But that has changed. It changed a long time ago, and Loki would scoff and maybe even smile bitterly if- No. He doesn’t move a single muscle. He doesn’t scoff, doesn’t smile, simply watches with a blank expression as the chaos unfolds around him, spreading through all of Asgard.

And he wishes that it made him feel anything. When he came back to the golden palace a few days ago, he was thinking about revenge, about making all of those fools pay for what they did to him, to his beloved children, to make them suffer and wail and beg for mercy. Plans were easily made, because there was really no one to stop him, or anything he wanted to do, and so he started to plant seeds and watched those grow, too. Now, he can see that it all worked out perfectly. But he doesn’t feel any triumph. He feels empty, and lost, and... Sad. Even though there truly is no word that could ever encompass all the grief and sorrow he feels. Some moments, if he stays perfectly still and listens, he is completely sure that he can feel his heart shatter, sharp edges digging into his flesh, making him flinch and gasp. Loki has almost come to crave those moments, because those are the only ones that remind him that he is alive. He loathes them, too, because he- Well, he no longer wants to be alive. It’s something he has come to terms with. Loki no longer wants to live, because there is simply no reason to be do so. He has lost everything, there is nothing left to fight for. Only his revenge, and while he is still convinced that it’s something worth fighting for, he has come to realize that it’s not enough to keep him upright. But he won’t let them get away with their monstrous actions. He won’t let them live after everything they have done to his poor son - To all of his children, really. No, he will get his revenge, and then he will find a way to take his own life, and hope that death will finally reunite him with all those he has lost. That thought is the only one that still brings a smile to his face, even if it’s a sad, twisted and bitter thing. It’s all he has left, it seems.

He kills Laufey. Why, he isn’t sure, and no one questions him, anyway. Only he himself wonders, because it would have been beautiful to watch Odin be killed by his archenemy. Ironically beautiful. But before it can happen, he has already slaughtered Laufey - His own father, for reasons he is not quite sure about. And again, he feels nothing. No triumph, no relief, no sense of freedom. Frigga cries and thanks him, and Loki nods along and lets her cling to him, and then he leaves the room without looking back.

Loki remembers loving Odin. He remembers adoring him, and wishing to be just like him. Now, those naive thoughts seem cruelly inappropriate. He was a child, back then, and the Allfather was quick to teach him a few lessons about adoration, and what can be hidden behind a kind face. His children were the ones who suffered for his idiocy, and he hates himself almost as much as Odin, feels that hatred claw at his chest and heart. Yes, he hates himself, and he knows all of this is as much his fault as the Allfather’s. He was stupid, naive and maybe too proud, because he still wonders if Odin might have changed his mind, had he only begged enough. It’s not something he will ever find out, now. His children are all gone, one way or another, but even if he knows that, it doesn’t make the thoughts and dreams stop.

Yes, he remembers loving the Allfather. Odin made sure both of his “sons” adored him, while simultaneously pitching them against each other, and ensuring they would never understand. It worked with Thor - Turning the blond god into a proud, entitled, brute fool, always ready to strike, and in no way ready to be a king. Although, Loki now is rather sure that Odin never wanted his son to take his place just yet. No, Odin knew that Thor was not ready, and maybe he wanted his golden son to go to Jotunheim, as it gave him a valid reason to not crown him so soon.

Loki thinks that the King’s strategy would have worked on him, too. It did, for the longest time, and he is sure that he would have been a loyal servant - Had it not been for his children. They had a way of opening his eyes, and it felt as though he saw for the first time in his entire existence. A startling sensation, and one he remembers well even to this day. They showed him just how much love he was capable of, and how he was more than just a mischievous trickster, more than just a restless thinking mind to his brother’s brutish force. And they showed him just how cruel and ruthless his oh so loving “father” could turn in an instant, if things did not go according to his grand plans. It was one of the most painful lessons he has ever learned.

He has killed Laufey, and he does not care. Odin is still sleeping, and he thinks about simply stabbing the King and be done with it all. Frigga would scream, and the guards would surely catch him moments later, but does that even matter? As long as he manages to ram a dagger into the old god’s heart, everything else will be alright. The only thing he fears is being thrown into a cell and locked away for a long, long time. He wishes for death, not imprisonment. Then again, he might be able kill himself regardless, if given the right amount of time. He certainly does not lack determination. So why is he still here? Why not wait until Frigga has left for a few moments, and kill Odin then? Loki has often fantasized about killing the Allfather, and it used to be a long, drawn out act, and he imagined laughing along with Odin’s pained cries. Now, he simply wants to slit his throat and walk away. Revenge... He used to fantasize about revenge. About chaining the old King to the ground on Lyngvy, to make him suffer just as long as his poor son had to, about taunting his so-called father and laughing at his pain and desperation. But revenge no longer matters. Because he knows it won’t change anything. It won’t bring his children back. It won’t undo all the pain and suffering the old fool has caused. It’s too late. It’s been done.

Yes, he remembers loving Odin. He remembers hating him, too. But that is all gone. He no longer feels anything besides his grief and sorrow. And some days, it breaks his heart all over again, and he feels too weak to even move one single muscle. But no, the hatred is mostly gone. Now, he only wants to end things - Including his own existence.

Loki watches Thor, too. Watches him stumble through Midgard, dumb and brute and yet somehow charming, as he always used to be. He watches those humans who decide to take him in, and he snarls when he sees his brother fall for one lady in particular. Of course. Thor would always find a way to turn a miserable situation around. Loki watches him smile and laugh and learn, and he feels- Anger? Resentment? He feels _something_ crawl up his throat, and he wants to spit it out and be done with it. But it’s not that easy, because it’s not just this one moment in time. It’s all those years they spent side by side. Thor, always the laughing, golden child, beloved and glorious and everything he was meant to be. And Loki, who was always... Different. Looking back now, he understands that it wasn’t much of a surprise, considering his heritage, and what Odin truly saw in the helpless baby he decided to save from a certain death that one night.

He hated his brother, sometimes. And he hated himself for feeling that way. Now, he watches that fool stumble his way through what was supposed to be a punishment, laughing and enjoying himself and his newest allies, and he feels rather indifferent. Let Thor fall in love, let him enjoy a mortal’s life, let him be alive. He no longer cares.

Loki remembers a time when Thor would leave the golden palace, and join him and his son in the fields. He remembers Thor and Fenrir playing with each other, the young wolf testing his strength against a worthy opponent, and he remembers his “brother” laughing and teaching his son how to move, when to strike, and how to wrestle any opponent to the ground. He was grateful, back then, so very grateful to Thor, for loving his nephew and caring for him in his own, sometimes crude, ways. And Fenrir loved him, too. He loved the games and the fighting, and the way his uncle could hold his own, even against his ever growing strength. And Loki watched them fighting and running and rolling in the soft grass, smiling and laughing, and feeling so lucky. He remembers feeling hopeful, too, because maybe- Maybe Thor would be different. Maybe, if one day he was actually crowned king, he would change things. Maybe he would rule the realm in a way that would allow Loki’s children to roam freely through the land, and, if not loved by all, maybe they could have been accepted, at the very least.

Loki never thought of himself as naive, but looking back on those days, it’s the only word he can describe his own thoughts with. Painfully naive. And then came the day they dragged Fenrir out of the palace, while he was screaming and crying and begging for mercy. Thor stayed quiet that day, and all the days that came ever since. He hasn’t mentioned his nephew’s name again, and hasn’t so much as asked if the wolf was even still alive. For all that he seemed to love Fenrir before, he now acted as though he had never known the wolf in the first place. Loki used to hate him for that, too. For his blind obedience, for his indifference, for acting as if nothing was wrong, and for the ease he did it with. Yes, he hated his brother, and he hated Odin, and Frigga, too, some days. There were times when Loki hated everyone, including himself, days when he wanted nothing more than to burn the entire realm to the ground and set himself aflame, too, if only to escape the pain and desperation. Yet, he never did so. Because his son was still alive back then, was still fighting, and waiting for his father to return to his side. So he had to press on and try to find a way out, and he kept both of them alive by believing that one day, they’d be free again. He promised Fenrir that, too. And he wasn’t able to keep that promise. He feels shame because of that, along with his hatred and pain. Shame that he wasn’t able to do what he promised his son. Loki made a point to never lie to Fenrir, not once, no matter what others might think. These days, he is even more grateful that he did so, because he has now seen what a parent’s lies can do to children. He is glad that he managed to spare his son at least that grief, because Fenrir - He likes to think that his son always knew that he could count on his father’s words. Except for that one last promise.

Loki wonders if he regrets Odin’s decision. If he wishes that the old King had decided to leave him in the cold to die, instead of taking him back to Asgard to raise him as his own. Some days he thinks so. Some days he thinks he’d prefer not to have survived that night of the battle on Jotunheim. Then, he thinks about his children, and he is no longer quite so sure. He could never regret his children. He loves them, each of them, dearly, with all of his heart.

Yet at the same time, he can’t help but wonder. Would it have been less cruel to never have them, instead of this existence? He can’t speak for all of them, but thinking about Fenrir brings back those thoughts more often than not. Should his beloved son never have been born? It seems it would have been the better option, instead of this life filled with suffering and torture, cut short by a cruel, monstrous king who was scared of whatever the völva told him. Loki knows it’s a moot point, because the past can’t be changed. His son was born, and he was loved - By both of his parents. But Fenrir lost his mother too soon, and then he was imprisoned and left to die. Is that really the life such a bright soul should be forced to lead? Loki can’t imagine his life without any of his children, but some days he wishes it- Hadn’t happened. Some days he wishes he had remained alone, as nothing but Thor’s brother and Odin’s less favored son. It was his misery to bear, not his children’s, and he is guilty of bringing them into this life, knowing full well that most of them would not be accepted, let alone be loved and cherished. But he thought he could be enough. He thought he could be everything they’d need, and provide a good life for them. As it turns out, he was wrong. And his selfishness was his children’s downfall.

He sends the Destroyer, and he watches his brother and his friends fight for their lives. He doesn’t care. He feels no joy, no twisted happiness. Loki is empty and tired. Odin is still alive, because he has not yet found the strength to enter the golden room and slit the King’s throat. Maybe he fears Frigga’s cries and sorrow. Maybe he fears what will happen after he does the deed. But why would he care? Maybe because he fears imprisonment.

He tries to destroy Jotunheim, even though he is sure he will fail, but he tries nonetheless. He wants them to bleed, too, because they are monsters after all - Not all that different from the Aesir, so why should they be spared? And maybe he wants to erase every last reminder of his cursed heritage, too, hopeless and useless as it may be. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Of course, his brother survives and regains his powers, and comes back to Asgard. Loki knows it’s the end, and he thinks about running into Odin’s chamber and killing him. He doesn’t. He waits for his brother to return, and watches his world fall apart, quietly watching, always watching. There is a fight waiting to happen, and for a strange moment he wonders if his own supposed brother would do him the favor of killing him. Smashing in his head with that cursed hammer of his, and finally ending all those painful thoughts, forever. Loki hopes, for the first time in a long, long while. They fight, and he yells and screams and does all sorts of things that might be expected, without feeling anything but that small, flickering hope that this will be his last night in this existence. And Thor falls right into it, running after him, dealing him blow after blow after blow, and Loki blocks them and dodges and waits for just the right moment. Then, he will not attempt to defend himself, and allow Thor to hit him with all of his strength. It should be enough to kill, or at least injure him to the point of no return. That’s all the wants, after all.

But it doesn’t happen that way. They almost fall off the Bridge, as Thor decides to be a self sacrificing fool and destroy their passage way, and Loki thinks _this, this is it_. And maybe his brother will fall to his death, too, and he will get his revenge. It’s a bitter-sweet thought, because he is not sure if this is the ending he envisioned, but he will take what he can get at this point. Loki only wants things to end. Revenge no longer matters all that much, because what would change? Why would it matter? Let Asgard remain, or let it burn to the ground, why should he care?

In the end, it’s Odin trying to save him, and Loki would laugh if he wasn’t so tired. The old King saves Thor, and then reaches out for Loki as well. And Loki stares into his “father’s” eyes, and listens to both of those fools pleading for him to just hold on. Underneath him, the endless darkness of the universe opens up like an abyss, and up there, those two are asking him to just hold on, to just reach out, to not let go. He wants to yell, to scream, to tell him just what they have done to him, to his children, to everyone he has ever loved with all his heart, to ask them why they think he should choose this life when there is nothing left worth living for?

In the end, he stays quiet, and simply lets go. It’s so much easier than he thought it would be. Loki always imagined himself fighting tooth and nail if it came to this, but here he is, and he simply lets go. He hears them both scream, hears them call out for him even as he slips into the darkness and vanishes. He no longer listens. Loki is falling.


End file.
